Honey, are you up?
I had a good night's sleep.
There's no kids in bed with us for a change.
-How about a little-- -Oh, God. I don't feel so well.
You usually don't say that until after.
No, I mean it, Ray. Stay away from me.
Oh, God, I'm so hot.
I'm getting all these mixed signals.
-Honey, the kids. -I know, they're fine.
Ray, could you get the kids, please?
All this discussion. We could have been done by now.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long lsland with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally...
and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you...
but mine would because--
Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Mommy's not feeling too good.
What did you do to her?
Nothing. Believe me, nothing.
I think Mommy's got the flu, sweetie.
Ray, I think you're gonna have to help me today.
All right, I'll....
Wait a minute, my Terry Bradshaw meeting.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
If I get to ghostwrite his book...
I can afford to get you round-the-clock nursing care.
-I'll take care of you, Mommy. -Thank you, honey.
See? Look at her. Isn't she sweet? Don't kids cheer you right up?
-Yeah. -You're looking a lot peppier right now.
I'm starting to get chills now, sweetie. You better get that ThermoScan.
The thermometer, so we know what we're dealing with.
Know what we're dealing with? That's hospital talk.
Stop. Think positive.
Stop that hospital.... Kitchen talk.
Like, "What would Ray want for breakfast before his big meeting?"
Ally, the jumping is making Mommy sick.
Stop, Ally. That's enough. Here, look, read this.
Wait a minute. That's Victoria's Secret. That's Daddy's.
Here, read this.
-This is the thermometer? -Yeah.
-All right. Should I set it to stun? -No. Here, give it to me.
-Where do you put that? -You put it in your ear.
That would have been my third guess.
Honey, look, it's almost 103.
-No! 103. -Yeah.
It's a scale. That's what your head weighs.
It's not.
Come on. Just laugh.
A little laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.
A priest and a rabbi are leg wrestling.
Face it, I'm sick, honey.
This is my one shot with Terry Bradshaw.
Can't you walk it off?
-Walk it off? -That's what my father always told me.
That and, "Rub some dirt on it."
Ray, listen. Come on, I'm sick. You're gonna have to help me.
I know. Of course I know. I'm just panicking.
All right, rest. Look, you rest.
Take care of yourself, so this never happens again.
I'll start the breakfast.
-Come on, Ally. -Here.
Mommy's not feeling good. We'll have breakfast.
Come on, guys.
You just take care of yourself. I've got it all under control.
A little easy on the throat, Ally.
Look, you're up. You're feeling better.
No.
I just got worried about you down here unsupervised.
What's wrong with Ally?
All I did was give her breakfast. That's all I did.
The next thing I know, she's burning up. She's hot. She's like you. She's sick.
-Come here, honey. -Okay.
Not you! Ally!
I'm here. Don't worry.
Oh, God, look at you, Debra.
Good morning, Marie.
Ray, your mom's here.
I thought she could come by and help with the kids...
while I'm at my big meeting.
-Wasn't that a good idea? -Yeah. I have an idea.
How about if I bite your nose really hard?
That's the NyQuil talking.
Ray, listen, Ally's gotta go to the doctor. Now what are we gonna do?
-Wait a minute. Michael's hot, too. -What?
That's what comes from vitamins shaped like cartoon characters.
Geoffrey's fine.
No, that's not how you do it. Let me see the baby.
Yeah. He's fine.
Now, you have to take Michael and Ally to the doctor right now.
And I'll stay here with Debra and Geoffrey.
No. Don't do that. I don't want you...
getting sick.
I don't get sick, dear.
Mom's more of a carrier.
Go get dressed and take the kids to the doctor.
All right. Come on, Ally, go.
My Terry Bradshaw meeting! I can't just blow him off.
-Who's that? -The football player. He's very famous.
He's in the Hall of Fame. He won four Super Bowls.
I never heard of him.
I have a big meeting with him.
Don't worry. Look, I'll take care of it.
-Yeah. Would you just call Hammond? -Hammond?
Dr. Hammond, the kids' doctor.
Right, Dr. Hammond. The guy with the good lollipop. I'll call him.
-Yeah. His number's in the book, honey. -All right.
In the kitchen.
In the drawer.
By the refrigerator.
There, you got nothing now.
Come here. Let me take your temperature.
No. You know what? I think I'm fine. No, please, don't.
103.
Oh, yeah.
I can't believe how long this is taking.
I'm supposed to meet Terry Bradshaw right now.
I can't believe this.
I was up all night cleaning vomit off an antique quilt.
Okay, it's a bad day for all of us.
-How old is he? Let me guess, 10 months. -Yeah.
He's got a nice-shaped head.
-Has he still got that soft spot? -Yeah.
Always check those when they're born. Make sure that spot goes in.
You know, 'cause if it comes out that means they've been tampered with.
Look, Michael. Look over there. Look at that pretty little girl.
He's a boy.
Sorry. I got thrown by all the pink and the earrings.
-Daddy, I don't feel so good. -I know, honey.
Now, here. Let's try and take your mind off it, okay?
Let's look at this. Here, look at this page.
"What doesn't belong?
"Puppy, kitten, chipmunk...
"bird, frog...."
-Terry Bradshaw? -Ray Barone?
Hi, Terry. How are you?
This is where you want me to meet you?
Listen, I knew you had a plane to catch, and I really wanted us to get together.
And then this thing came up. I thought this place is just as good...
as long as you don't put anything in your mouth.
Honey, come here, look. This is Terry Bradshaw.
This is the man Daddy's gonna talk to about his new book.
Hello!
Yo, Terry, hey.
Steelers rule, man!
Listen, Ray, I'm sorry. I mean, I read your column and love it...
but I don't think this thing's gonna work out.
Terry, I understand. This is out of the ordinary...
but there was no way around this. I think it can work out.
Look, let's talk for five minutes. Sit here.
Sit here. Honey, sit down. And let's talk to the man.
I can't.
-I can't do this. -All right, you don't have to.
We don't have to sit. We'll just talk.
I don't think this is a good idea. I don't normally do business like this.
Of course you don't. I know.
I wouldn't have done this if I didn't think it was a great opportunity for both of us.
I got some great ideas, really. Real quickly.
I think the book should answer questions the public has always wanted to ask.
Can I touch your head?
Hey, girl, look at this.
You know, I can see you got your hands full.
I know I do, but I still think we can talk for a little while.
Mr. Barone, you wanna bring Ally and Michael in now, please?
-Nice meeting you. -Thanks, I think we did something here.
-I'm sorry. -All right.
We had a good meeting. Laid a little foundation.
I'll have my people call your people.
-You do that. -Okay.
Who am I kidding? This is "my people."
I don't understand how the children got so sick.
I mean, you do put coats on them, don't you?
No, Marie, I send them out straight from the tub, buck-naked.
Yes, of course they wear coats.
-What coats? -The coats that you bought them.
I never see them wearing them. I know you never liked those coats.
But I don't think it's worth endangering your children's health...
-just to send me a message. -They wear the coats.
You know, they're very expensive coats.
They're good. They're good, warm coats.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
-I bought bad coats. -No, they're....
-They're fine, Marie. I just need to rest now. -Now, here. Blow.
You know, I bought those coats from Frank's friend, Leon.
He said it was a deal. That crook. He sold me paper coats.
If I can just make it to the phone.
I should never listen to Frank. "Buy from Leon," he said.
"Leon has quality merchandise."
What he doesn't say is that Leon wants to kill my grandchildren.
Where's the ketchup in this house?
-Oh, my God. What are you doing here? -Looking for ketchup.
That's what you're worried about?
It's your fault that Debra and the kids are sick.
-What? -Your friend Leon, with his cheap coats.
-Those coats were very expensive. -He made everyone sick.
Please, my head.
-And how about those $9 slacks? -You loved the color.
-They ripped the first day. -I didn't read the thing.
You're not supposed to sit in them. They're not sit-down slacks.
Please, you are actually killing me.
See what you're doing to her? Go, please. She needs her rest.
She should be up and moving around. She should walk it off.
You don't know what you're talking about. You and your cheap coats.
I know what sick people need. They need rest and peace and quiet.
I know where the ketchup is.
Upper left, refrigerator door. Upper left.
That's all I needed to know. Feel better, sweetheart.
Ketchup.
It's great to see you again, Mr. Barone. It's been quite a while.
That's 'cause Debra loves this part of being a parent.
-Does this phone dial out? -Why? Is everything all right?
Yeah. I was just thinking of calling the guy who left with my career.
You know what, though? It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter. I just want the kids to get better. That's all.
-Don't worry. Daddy's here, okay? -Now, that's good.
Sometimes I need a little help restraining the children when I examine them.
Restraining the children?
You are a real doctor, right?
-How are you feeling, Ally? -Crummy.
She upgraded herself. This morning she was icky.
-What has she been eating lately? -Good things.
Lots of green stuff.
Sometimes hot, and sometimes cold.
Debra does that mostly.
-What about her sleeping habits? -That, I know.
I know that because I read her a book and tuck her in right about 8:00.
Well, if I'm not at the game.
Working.
-I'm a sports writer, you know. -That's right. I remember.
What I meant was, does she wake up a lot during the night?
I'm a pretty heavy sleeper, you know.
It's kind of like that "tree falling in the forest" thing.
You know?
But I read her the books.
And I sing her the duck song, right, honey?
itte ducks, big ducks Lots of swinging ducks
You have a lovely voice.
Deep breath.
She's been around a lot of children who are sick?
Yes, in your waiting room.
It's like a hot zone out there, I'll tell you.
I mean, the children she plays with.
Debra arranges the play dates, but then I go and pick her up sometimes.
When you're home.
You sound like a typical dad.
No, I'm a very good dad.
Yeah, I go on the road a lot, but when I come home...
then they're all mine, right?
Like, what did we do last week?
We went to the video store, we got you your favorite video.
That's why they like it when it's Daddy's day.
But my wife only lets them watch it once.
I let them watch that as many times as they want.
They love it.
It's great. They can sit in front of that thing for hours.
Right? We have fun, don't we?
And Ally's favorite video?
The Little Mermaid.
No, Beauty and the Beast.
Right.
It's the same thing.
Ally, honey, I'm going to take a look in your ears now, okay?
-Can you hold her for me? -Yeah.
It's all right, now.
Doctor's making me do this.
This is the doctor's fault, okay?
-Daddy is still a great man. -Here we go.
That's it. All done.
Go get yourself a lollipop.
Ally seemed to have a touch of the flu.
Let's see how little Michael is doing.
I'm pretty sure that's going to be the same thing, too.
They've got the same fever, same sniffles, same crumminess.
Believe me, I know these kids.
Mr. Barone, Michael seems fine to me.
That's impossible.
No, I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with that child.
What are you talking about? This morning....
Feeling better, honey?
Yeah, you know, I think that garlic actually helped.
To tell you the truth, I thought that was an old wives' tale.
Look who you're talking to.
Honey, button up your sweater, and let's close your robe.
I don't want you to catch a chill. Is there anything else I can get for you?
Maybe I'll just go upstairs for a while.
No, you stay right here. I'll go straighten out the covers.
No, you don't have to--
I know. I've been ordering you around a lot today.
But when of your own is sick...
you have to forget about winning a popularity contest.
You're in no danger.
The important thing is that you get better.
Thanks, Marie. It's nice to be taken care of for a change.
Thank you.
We're both mothers.
You know, there is not much difference between us.
Isn't that right?
I don't want to say the wrong thing.
We are the same, aren't we, Frank?
Yeah, you're exactly the same.
Like me and Fabio.
See, Frank thinks so, too.
Okay, I'm back...
with all the right children.
How are the kids?
Daddy said we could watch TV until we get better.
Dr. Hammond said they'll be fine in about 24 hours.
And he was amazed at how identical these twins are.
You know, if they ever need x-rays, I bet we only have to bring in one.
It was an honest mistake.
Yeah, like father knows best.
He brought the wrong kid.
I know.
I never mixed up you and Robert.
Yes, you did, Dad.
Oh, right.
-How're you feeling? -Feeling much better. Thanks.
-Good. -What happened to your shirt?
I was giving the kids their medicine.
They love that stuff.
Hello?
Oh, yes. He is. Just a minute, please.
-It's Terry Bradshaw. -Come on.
Hi, Terry, yeah?
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
You know, being a parent is the toughest thing.
Don't you think?
No, I never had to see Mean Joe Greene naked.
Yeah.
Thanks, but my kid is still a little sick, and my wife's still sick....
You know what? I don't think so.
All right, well, thanks. Okay, Terry, bye.
What did you do?
His plane was delayed a few hours, and he wanted me to come visit him at the hotel.
-And I told him, you know-- -What?
I told him what was important.
You told him to forget it?
I told him I can't meet him tonight. I'm gonna help you.
What are you, out of your mind? You're gonna pass this up?
What are you talking about?
I'm here. I'm helping you with the kids, with the medicine.
All right, not the medicine.
Get Terry back on the phone before he hires somebody else.
Is this a test?
Yeah.
This is like the time you told me I could go to Bernie's bachelor party.
It's not like Terry Bradshaw is going to give you a lap dance.
What are you saying? I don't get you.
Aren't you upset that I don't know the kids as well as you?
No, Ray. I mean, you did your best.
I needed you this morning and you were there for me.
And now, I need you tonight to go and make the money.
All right, I'll call him.
But am I a bad father because I don't know who the kids' doctor is...
or what Ally has for lunch, or how long you breast-fed the twins for?
By the way, I told the doctor you stopped. Right?
Yeah, six months ago.
Right, I thought it was a little less crowded around there.
Ray, come here.
I mean, look, so you don't know some things, you know?
But you're trying, and you care, and you work hard.
And your job takes you away a lot.
But it's because of your job you were able to pay the doctor today.
-I was supposed to pay him today, right? -Yeah.
Here, take my temperature.
You're feeling a lot cooler.
I think it's time for a little "doctor and the patient."
Well, Mrs. Barone.
Why are you taking your clothes off? I'm the dentist.
Come on, Ray.
-What? -Because I'm better, but I'm tired.
How tired are you? You don't have to do much.
I'm tired.
Go away.
All right, don't worry about it.
I'll walk it off.
Or rub some dirt on it.
I'm glad we finally got some time to do this.
I know we've both been very busy.
Okay, so tell me...
of all the places you've played...
where would you say is your favorite?
In my room.
Okay.
Have you ever seen Mommy kiss the cable man?